Parent Puzzle Intro

Welcome to the parenting puzzle where I'll attempt to address human development from birth to young adult, around age 25.

I have one rule, when you hear new information ask yourself one thing, “does it resonate as truth”? If it doesn't, ask questions and let’s take an opportunity to talk about it.

I find it helpful to articulate what motivates you as a parent. The progression of answering that question starts with:

Have you ever been a child? Most of us have, though we might not feel like we had a childhood for various reasons.

Do you remember a lot about your childhood or just a little or nothing at all?

What do you remember about your childhood, was it positive or negative?

How do you think your childhood impacted you as an adult?

When parents run into struggles with their children, it usually has something to do with their own childhood, so that’s your first clue to your parenting motivations and struggles. Exploring yourself and your own childhood will be the doorway for helping you identify and adjust your parenting style with your children.

Another clue to discovering your parenting style will be to ask yourself “what do I ultimately want for my children”? Sometimes we look at famous figures as models of who we want our children to emulate. Looking to role models is a natural tendency, and gives us a type of comparison and goal to shoot for. So one idea is to think of some famous people that you have looked up to and want your kids to be like, as well as some role models you have established for yourself. That could be a clue for you also as to what your motivations are for parenting your children.

I've come up with a list of common goals that most parents have for the children as they grow toward adulthood.

Often at the top of the list is the desire to want our children to be righteous or good human beings.

Also wanting our children to be helpful and caring adults eventually is also a strong desire among parents.

I often hear parents say they want their children to become successful adults.

And deeply creative adults.

Wise adults it is up there with the top 10,

I've also hear parents say they want courageous adults, but sometimes that actually sets us up for fear that our children will be in danger if they are too courageous.

Often parents want their children to become adventuresome adults, willing to explore and test their skills.

And what I hear the most is that parents want their children to become empathic adults, though that's not exactly the word that used.

So how do we parent our children so that they become adults embodying these qualities?

Righteousness and goodness are actually modeled by you

Helpfulness and caring is also a modeled quality

Success actually comes from failure, in fact failure is a better teacher for success than successes is

Creativity comes from a wild imagination so enjoy their imaginative play and their humor, even if it doesn't make sense to you

Wisdom comes by letting them ask a million zillion questions, and actually not answering them right away, so let them wonder and be curious

Courage comes when we teach them to understand fear and its value

Adventuresome adults actually develop from learning to trust their built-in cautions

And empathic adults become empathic when they are empathic toward themselves. And that comes from validation of their own emotions and experiences by us, their parents, even if we don't understand or agree with their emotional experience and expression.

Lastly confident adults. Most of us want our children to be confident, able to stand up for themselves especially when they leave home like for college. So what makes a person confident? Confidence comes from when we trust ourselves. How does a person trust them selves? It is by accepting their own emotions as valid, learning how to endure and survive the tough emotions, and participating in problem solving, perhaps figuring out how to avoid those tough situations that led to those tough emotions in the first place.

I’ll add a side note here, often one of our motivations as parents is to help our children avoid pain at all costs. But in fact, pain can be one of the better teachers for our children. I don’t advocate inflicting pain intentionally, but I do encourage parents to help their children to work through the painful emotions, knowing they will endure and survive. So be mindful not to rescue too quickly.

I love this picture, and quote by Rumi. Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. My commission to you (and all of us) is to let yourself and your children live with a curious nature, to wonder, it’s an important key for mental health.

Here is a list of resources that I will refer to for these sessions, and used as the research behind this teaching on the parenting puzzle. These authors has a lot to offer, and I encourage you to look up their podcast, YouTube videos, and books.

Now I'm going to start with the first puzzle piece called A Spark of the Divine.