Episode 3: Slime
The 1st C
Slime, you know, that jelly-like, ooey-gooey, slick, snot-ish looking stuff? Some people like to touch slime, and some act like it’s alive and they stay as far away as they can. After all, it’s called “slime” for a reason, IT’S SLIMY!!!
Isn’t it amazing how our sensory system has certain substances we automatically move toward and some we move away from? I believe it’s the primal part of our bodies that protects us against danger! That makes sense with something that is potentially dangerous, but this is slime we’re talking about, not really obviously dangerous.
Did you know it’s actually pretty universal that the folks who are willing to touch slime have a combined look of disgust and curiosity on their face? Why does slime stimulate such a reaction? I don’t know the answer to that, sorry! My focus is more on the emotional experience of slime than on our physiological response (I’m a psychologist, duh!).
(Side note: I found this video on YouTube that was pretty funny: https://youtu.be/1oRTMpPmvXk)
When I hold slime, I’m a little repulsed and fascinated, too, and I’ve noticed I can barely see the details of my hand, mostly I see the slime. When I let slime drip in front of my eyes, I’m able to see hints of what’s on the other side of the slime, but the details are lost. Slime is not a friendly substance for feeling clean and seeing clearly, and our physiological response is rather automatic! So it is a good analogy for… Shame.
In session, I like to use slime as an illustration of shame and self-judgment because they impacts us in a similar way to slime. See if this is true for you. I personally want to move away from shame somewhat automatically, like people who are want to put shame on me, or people who “exude” self-shame, I even want to move away from myself when I shame me. And like slime, shame is also rather blinding, lacking transparency because it assumes the worst without seeking the truth. Just like slime, shame obscures whatever is on the other side. And if it’s a mirror on the other side, shame distorts how I see myself, and likewise distorts my view of others and even what I perceive to be their view of me. If I see myself through the eyes of shame, I will believe the worst about me, not the truth. And finally, shame is a bit sticky like slime, easy to stick and hard to remove once it’s attached.
Dr. Brene’ Brown in her series of books about shame simply stated that shame is what we believe about ourselves as our identity. As I’ve worked with my clients, I would add that this identity of shame leaves us feeling hopeless, because if we believe we ARE “slime”, how can we be anything but “slimy”?
Additionally, and unfortunately, shame is often used as a motivator, both as a self motivator and by parent, teachers, pastors, society at large - basically anyone in charge who wants compliance. Shame is a fairly effective temporary motivator because it gets immediate results from those who believe the shaming statements about themselves. The truth is, though, believing the worst about yourself or others never motivates in the direction of true healing, instead it serves to reinforce our hopelessness which perpetuates our behaviors. It’s rather cyclical in its nature:
Additionally, and unfortunately, shame is often used as a motivator, both as a self motivator and by parent, teachers, pastors, society at large - basically anyone in charge who wants compliance. Shame is a fairly effective temporary motivator because it gets immediate results from those who believe the shaming statements about themselves. The truth is, though, believing the worst about yourself or others never motivates in the direction of true healing, instead it serves to reinforce our hopelessness which perpetuates our behaviors. It’s rather cyclical in its nature:
Often shame is also used in an attempt to teach and create empathy, but it does quite the opposite. Empathy is the product of shared emotional experiences which connect our hearts. Shame doesn’t connect hearts like empathy does, it actually isolates us first from ourselves, causing us to withdraw, and then isolates us from others. Typically we’ll see artificial changes in behavior, so it looks effective, but the heart rarely heals or connects through shame, instead it perpetuates loneliness.
Bottom line, shame and self-judgment harden our hearts toward ourselves and ultimately toward others. In order to begin softening our hearts, I encourage you to try the first C in this series of 5 C’s, “Catch”. Catch the automatics, like negative self-assessment, self-criticism, shame. This C is also about catching any automatics that lead to behavior and emotions we know are not true or representative of our true selves. Catching the shame rather than acting on it is the best way to keep it from blinding us and repelling us, and giving us a shot at having more choice in responding than the automatics. Once we've caught it, then we can relax it a bit to allow the next C to surface, Compassion for our humanity.
FYI shame can be so automatic that we get used to it and then it becomes somewhat hidden from us, so the process of catching it can be tricky. In session I teach my clients to catch their shame by paying close attention to their words. Some words that might be clues to hidden shame are words like should, ought, right, wrong, good, bad, need to, have to… words and phrases that seem to stimulate a physical stress response rather than a relaxed response. Additionally avoiding eye contact can be a sign of shame. So give the first C a try, Catch your automatic self-judgment!