Options Part 1 - Bonding
In the last lesson I presented the idea that each of us are born unique. So to me the next parenting question is, how do you raise a well-behaved unique child, AND how to you parent more than one unique child? Because if we're all unique, and our children are all unique, “one size” parenting will NOT fit all!
As a parent myself I remember wanting a simple solution to misbehavior for both my boys because I was tired, A LOT. It was exhausting keeping up with them and their enthusiasm for life (as well as their unique motivations for the same misbehavior). So if one discipline method could’ve worked for both, I wanted it. But it rarely did.
Hearing Max Lucado’s quote (”children are not a blank slate awaiting your pen, but a written work awaiting your study.”), began my self inquiry and realization that I’d been parenting from the philosophy that I had to “write” my children's story, instead of “read” it. I believed somewhat unconsciously that I was responsible for keeping them on the “straight and narrow”. And every misdeed became a “sign” to me of what was to come, future mayhem! It was very scary to imagine what life could be like for them if they didn’t “straighten up”, it was enough to make me want to overreact to stop that fateful future. And that’s exhausting to say the least.
Danny Silk’s book Loving Our Kids on Purpose also opened my eyes and heart to building a bonding relationship with my sons so I could let them be who they were born to be and let them learn from the consequences of their choices, good or bad, in the way they would best retain the lesson for that moment and keep them safe. After that realization, I transitioned from being their “task master” and “warden”, to being their coach and guide as they navigated the trials of planet Earth. Not perfectly, mind you, but so much more relaxing!
I encourage you read Danny Silk’s book on your own because it lays a good foundation for parenting. In this lesson I'm going to offer my own synthesis of what reading his book transformed in my parenting.
I’ll call it “Options”.
When I introduce this concept to my clients, the essence of their number one question is often, “How do I help my child be unique as a productive, healthy citizen without letting them run the family show?” The answer is two fold: through bonding, and through structure that honors their uniqueness. Bonding is a necessity for building a relationship where we nurture the innate desire for healthy compliance. And Structure gives them boundaries to help them know where the limits are as they fumble through the multifaceted beginnings of life on planet Earth.
Important note, structure for structure’s sake (i.e. demanding obedience) often leads to rebellion because it’s often more of a power trip for parents who aren’t healthily bonded with their child and perhaps don’t know any other way to get compliance fast. But on the reverse side, structure that encourages and adapts to the child’s uniqueness in a bonded relationship nurtures obedience.
Bonding
Let’s start with what makes a child WANT to be obedient to the parent’s guidelines and structure. (Because if a child wants to obey, they will be more likely to be obedient even when you’re not around.) Children naturally want to have a relationship with their parents, because after all, you are their first “gods”, so to speak. AND their first model of what a human being looks like, acts like, and thinks like here on planet Earth. So “reading their story” will strengthen the natural bond between you and them, which ultimately increases their desire to please you.
It’s important to know that rebellion is a sign of a broken or wounded bond between you and your child, because when they don’t feel heard or understood in their unique, immature attempts and desire to please you, their parents, they use the only “language” they know to let you know how hurt they are, rebellion. Children don’t have the experience of a seasoned 35 year old brain to think things through with, they are limited in their language, in their coping skills, and in the repertoire of reactions, so what you see as rebellion is actually emotional charades (a topic we will tackle later in this series). When children are frequently or severely “punished” or shamed for their amateurish attempts to please you, they ultimately feel like they can't win with you. That’s discouraging, and bond breaking!
For instance, when a parent withholds compliments or encouragement for a child’s efforts believing they are “starving” the “sin of pride”, or withholding approval as an incentive to encourage the child to “want to do better”, they are actually chipping away at their bond and the child’s natural inclination to want to please them. What a parent doesn't know is that the child HAS to look for approval, that is how they learn what humanity is all about, and we as parents are their first models of humanity. Any sense of encouragement and praise will actually work to solidify appropriate behavior in the child laying the foundation for more mature efforts. It’s in the favor of both the parent and child if a child feels they are getting positive attention from the parent for doing what the parent wants them to do. Children simply want to please their parent! But discouragement without recognition of their efforts puts them in a no-win situation where they lose the desire and the bond. There is a place for correction, but correction alone is like “pin the tail on the donkey”, it’s a blindfolded way of teaching maturity.
Hearing their hearts and giving them attention and value helps to calm their rebellion. Additionally, when you pause and take time to hear their hearts, you actually model for them how they can do the same with you and others (which is called empathy). One technique for hearing their hearts is reflective listening, which is the exercise of repeating back to the child what you hear them saying without correcting or interpreting. That way the child can correct what you heard or explain, which gives them the message you want to know them and that you are willing to listen to their hearts. Bonding is the ultimate result of reflective listening.
A bonded relationship with them does not guarantee perfect behavior, however. Children still need structure and guidance. I don't want you to think that I'm saying let them be or do anything they want to, but I am inviting you to strengthen your bond with them by reading their story while helping them to stay safe, learn empathy, and hear their hearts.
Next up is part 2 of Options - Healthy and Age Appropriate Structure